Whoever Said

Whoever said that time heals all wounds has obviously never presided in the depths of hell.  Life is not better six months down the line.  It is worse.  Much worse.  All time has done is carry on while the visions of evil that dance in my head, whether awake or asleep.  The voices get louder and it gets harder to drown them out.  Too many days, I just want to give in.  I know one of these days, I will.  But not yet.  

Liars and heffalumps.  That is what the world is full of.  Everyone is in it for their own use.  Their own gain.  Trust is word that is thrown around, yet no one really knows what it means.  Or how it applies.  In the initial opening of a tragedy, everyone wants a part.  But then life goes on around the ones suffering, who are left to deal with their own heads and hearts.  Left alone to try to make sense of the disaster that has become the new normal.  Trying to wade thru the mire that is now their reality.  All move on with the day to day, while the victim suffers in silence, knowing that everyone else is just sick to fucking death of hearing it all.  Forgotten except as a brief afterthot.  Left to wonder why, and is it even worth it.  No one can ever know the despair.  The chest crushing pain.  The feeling that the tears will never stop.  The staring out the window and wondering where an hour just went.  The silence that was once filled with laughter.  The apathy, and complete lack of direction or ambition.  The trying so hard to appear strong, but feeling like you are in a million pieces that will never fit back together.  

The agony.   

Enuff Already

Ok God.  It's just not funny anymore...

Seriously, how much can one person fucking take???
You say you will never give more than one can handle.  Have you taken a look at me lately?  I'm 5 freaking feet tall, and weigh  under 120.  My fucking shoulders only span 15 inches.  How much more weight can be added before I fall?!?  I am tired.  So very fucking tired.  I am tired of carrying the weight of everyone else.  For once, I want someone to carry me.  Just for a little while. 
The voice in my head is getting louder every day.  I can not control him for much longer.  I can't even drown him out anymore.  He is there even in my dreams now.  Not even sleep is the refuge it once was.  I just want it to end.  All of it.  

Only one of us is going to make out of this alive.  And right now, I'm not sure which one it will be...

When It Seems

When it seems no one is listening,
when it seems no one cares,
when it seems life is going nowhere,
when it seems no one is there,
remember there is always an ear that will listen,
a heart that will always care,
life can only go forward,
a true friend is ALWAYS there...

 
I thank my friends for their support.  For their ears and their tears.  This is not a journey that anyone wants, but it was given to me for a reason.  Not sure what that reason is yet, but I'm sure I will find out.  Someday.  

I WILL have good days, and

I WILL have even more bad days.  Please remember that I am not really mad at any of YOU. 

I WILL say things that may not make sense (word salad). 

I WILL do things that may not make sense.  Please be patient with me.  

I do not know how far or how long this will take.  I do not know how far or how long I can take this.  Right now, it's day by day.  Someday it will end.  Of this I AM sure. 

Many will not like how it will end, but it will. 

Hug your children
Listen to your children
Love your children
Trish