Happy Birthday to Me and a Burial

So, today is my birthday. One year sober. How I have managed it, I don’t know. But I did. Last April 19 I broke down after 16 years. Now I know everyone has a slip or two, but fuck, 16 years?!? Now I am back to counting off again. And I made it. One Year. Yay me. Has it been easy? Fuck No. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish to have a drink, or a little something else… But I guess the fucked up thots in my head are enuff. Least, that’s what I keep telling myself. Hey, whatever works, right?
Now to the burial. A note I wrote to the Fucker last night. Maybe I will send it to him. Why the fuck should he get to sit there whilst I go thru the hell of what is now my existence. Day in day out I live with the hell while he counts off the days until he is free. Yes, free. I have been given a life sentence, while as of October that fucker can begin the process to life. Fuck him.
Bastard…

So, here I am cleaning out her room. It is like she has died. For it is a death I am mourning. As I search thru her things, I mourn the little girl. The little girl YOU denied me. I cannot the control the tears. The pain is soul crushing. The pastel hair ties. The ceramic cats. Little drawings of what should have graced my fridge. The empty diaries that she couldn’t write in. All the little mementos that she even bare to be in the same house with. Because it is tainted. Everything. You stole her childhood. From her. From me. The pain is so great it has distilled the hate. I can’t breathe. I just want to fall apart so badly right now. Instead, I have bury my little girl. For that little girl is gone forever. And now, I mourn.

Whoever Said

Whoever said that time heals all wounds has obviously never presided in the depths of hell.  Life is not better six months down the line.  It is worse.  Much worse.  All time has done is carry on while the visions of evil that dance in my head, whether awake or asleep.  The voices get louder and it gets harder to drown them out.  Too many days, I just want to give in.  I know one of these days, I will.  But not yet.  

Liars and heffalumps.  That is what the world is full of.  Everyone is in it for their own use.  Their own gain.  Trust is word that is thrown around, yet no one really knows what it means.  Or how it applies.  In the initial opening of a tragedy, everyone wants a part.  But then life goes on around the ones suffering, who are left to deal with their own heads and hearts.  Left alone to try to make sense of the disaster that has become the new normal.  Trying to wade thru the mire that is now their reality.  All move on with the day to day, while the victim suffers in silence, knowing that everyone else is just sick to fucking death of hearing it all.  Forgotten except as a brief afterthot.  Left to wonder why, and is it even worth it.  No one can ever know the despair.  The chest crushing pain.  The feeling that the tears will never stop.  The staring out the window and wondering where an hour just went.  The silence that was once filled with laughter.  The apathy, and complete lack of direction or ambition.  The trying so hard to appear strong, but feeling like you are in a million pieces that will never fit back together.  

The agony.   

Enuff Already

Ok God.  It's just not funny anymore...

Seriously, how much can one person fucking take???
You say you will never give more than one can handle.  Have you taken a look at me lately?  I'm 5 freaking feet tall, and weigh  under 120.  My fucking shoulders only span 15 inches.  How much more weight can be added before I fall?!?  I am tired.  So very fucking tired.  I am tired of carrying the weight of everyone else.  For once, I want someone to carry me.  Just for a little while. 
The voice in my head is getting louder every day.  I can not control him for much longer.  I can't even drown him out anymore.  He is there even in my dreams now.  Not even sleep is the refuge it once was.  I just want it to end.  All of it.  

Only one of us is going to make out of this alive.  And right now, I'm not sure which one it will be...

When It Seems

When it seems no one is listening,
when it seems no one cares,
when it seems life is going nowhere,
when it seems no one is there,
remember there is always an ear that will listen,
a heart that will always care,
life can only go forward,
a true friend is ALWAYS there...

 
I thank my friends for their support.  For their ears and their tears.  This is not a journey that anyone wants, but it was given to me for a reason.  Not sure what that reason is yet, but I'm sure I will find out.  Someday.  

I WILL have good days, and

I WILL have even more bad days.  Please remember that I am not really mad at any of YOU. 

I WILL say things that may not make sense (word salad). 

I WILL do things that may not make sense.  Please be patient with me.  

I do not know how far or how long this will take.  I do not know how far or how long I can take this.  Right now, it's day by day.  Someday it will end.  Of this I AM sure. 

Many will not like how it will end, but it will. 

Hug your children
Listen to your children
Love your children
Trish